I realized something today... By wanting this baby to come early I'm being selfish. My beloved has a picture in his head of how our home coming will be. He has a vision of packing up his whole family and driving home from the hospital. To our home. Not our parents, not a friends but our very own home. The place where we are making our memories. The only problem is we don't have a car right now. But YHVH opened a door for us to get a car in mid January if all goes well.
I've been praying for this baby to come as soon as possible, completely ignoring the fact that my love has a dream of how this will go. To me being a good wife means putting myself last. Up until now I've believed this in theory and haven't really put it to much practice. But for once I realize its not all about me. Am I uncomfortable? Yes. But would having the baby in a few more weeks make my husband's dream come true? Yes!
I could look at this as a dilemma, but I'm looking at it as a chance to learn to sacrifice my comfort for those I love. I have an amazing husband and a few more weeks of pregnancy is nothing compared to the sacrifices he makes for me.
So my prayer has changed from Lord please hurry to Lord please strengthen me so I can hold out, please allow my beloved's dream to come true.
Of course I know I don't know YHVH's plan and maybe it won't all work out. All I can do is pray for what would most please my love.
"3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. 4 Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others." -Philippians 2:3-4
" The horse is prepared against the day of battle: but safety is of the Lord." -Proverbs 21:31
I came across this verse randomly. Someone else actually mentioned it as a verse that gave them peace in their decision. But then I realized it fits me now. All I can do is get ready and know that the rest is up to YHVH.
Its such a blessing to have a heavenly Father that can see the big picture. Though I feel I'm ready, He knows all the details I don't. So I can rest assured that if she hasn't come, then its not time yet.
Though waiting isn't easy I can find my comfort in YHVH! So while I'm packing hospital bags I'm going to be praying. Not just for a safe delivery but also for my daughters. That they will be friends as well as siblings and that they will grow up loving YHVH and wanting to serve HIM!
Its been a long day. Lots of low contractions, hopefully they're doing something. It was nice to see family and not be so wrapped up in the pregnancy. Even though that's all anyone wants to talk about.
Dealing with the belly and Amina was a little easier today despite my discomfort. It feels like no matter what position I get in it hurts. But I was able to still lift her and feed her, maybe even better than I have been previously. We all played the Michael Jackson game for Wii. It was so much fun. I won twice! It was funny and everyone was shocked that the pregnant lady won. Of course grandma Mary is convinced that all that dancing is going to make the baby come tonight. Ha we'll see but some how I doubt it. Although I have been having some contractions since heading home. I'm just going to go to bed and go to church tomorrow as planned. Unless the Lord sees fit to have things go differently.
"I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope. 6 My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning: I say, more than they that watch for the morning. " -Psalm 130:5-6
(written 12/25/10)
So my first "lesson" comes from a verse that I don't think I've ever payed much attention to.
" I was cast upon thee from the womb: thou art my God from my mother's belly." -Psalm 22:10
Have I spent enough time in prayer for this little one? Have I sang psalms or hymns to her? Have I invested my time NOW on instilling the things of the Lord?
Sadly I must say no. With an active 2 year old running around and being uncomfortable, my focus has been in the wrong place when it has come to this pregnancy. But its not too late to fix it. If I focus on the miracle God is performing in me and use this time to create precious moments between the three of us (God, the baby, and me), I can start what will be a life long process of training her in the way she should go. I guess this is great practice for having one on one time wit each of my girls.
Thank you Father for revealing this to me. Please help me to continue to seek you first, for your ways are perfect!
(written 12/24/10)
Its been about a week now that I've been having contractions everyday. A few hours ago they had gotten down to every 2-4 minutes! They stayed that way for over an hour and then all of a sudden changed to 10 minutes apart! Its like my body just said never mind. I had gotten my hopes up and though I said I was trusting the Lord and waiting on His timing. I just knew His timing was then. Guess I was wrong because here I am with very infrequent contractions.
My OB is really supportive of natural birth so they don't even want me to think about coming in until I'm ready to push. I wanted that but I guess since this is my first time going into labor naturally I need some sort of reassurance. I know I'll eventually have no doubts about if I'm in labor, but I'm just so impatient. I need something to hold onto to give me comfort yet all the Bible verses others have given me haven't helped. I KNOW that the Lord has this all under control I just wish He would let me in on His plans. I'm really no good with surprises...
I am really glad though that my husband is so supportive. He knows I'm going through a lot emotionally and he tries to find the right things to say. And that's no easy task, I'm very difficult to encourage when I get to feeling down. This pregnancy has been a real roller coaster ride. I guess that's to be expected with all the circumstances surrounding it.
I really shouldn't even be thinking about having this baby yet, seeing as I'm only 37 weeks. But with all the contractions and discomfort it seemed likely. I think I'm just going to have to get it stuck in my head that this baby will not be here before she's ready and that she probably won't be ready until January. I long to see her and I will soon enough. So this is the start of me enjoying the end of this pregnancy! I'm going to document the last leg of this journey and hopefully find ways to keep my spirits up while the Lord strengthens me and prepares me for what's ahead....
(written 12/24/10)
